Below are actual clippings from church newspapers. It's amazing what a little proof-reading could prevent!!!

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• The cost of attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
• Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring hot dogs and guns. Everyone come for a fun time.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing 'Break Forth into Joy.'
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
• Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church has cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7p.m. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped my Pledge - Up Yours.'